So not fair...

Omg... Can someone please wake me up from this nightmare!?!?  Cry myself to sleep, wake up crying, worried, scared, it is all just so unfair.  I wish I could tell Skittle that everything will be ok, but truth be told, I can't.  How can I even come close to understanding the unfairness of a struggle and fight for life she will have when she is born?!?!  I can only do so much, and fight so much for her while she is in my tummy, safe and sound, able to breathe freely, yet when she is born, and away from the comfort of her mother, it will be a struggle.  I can only hope she has a good fight to live, cuz I know she knows her momma will be right beside her every minute I'm allowed!!!  I will say it again, I am not sure how I was dealt this unfair card, or worse, why my precious daughter was chosen to have to struggle, but it's so damn unfair!!!!  I may feel defeated, but I am bound and determined to win this battle!!!

♥ Mommy loves you sweet Princess... and I will do everything I can to get you the best!! ♥

Ultrasound....

So I had my ultrasound today.  It took about an hour and 10 minutes.  It was an in depth scan.  Lots of pictures.  She probably took at least 75 pictures, of course, most of those of Skittle's chest and abdomen.  Her u/s showed that her heart is in the right side of her chest now, and we could see the stomach and intestines in the left side.  The liver is still in her abdomen where it belongs, and I hope with all that I have, that that is where that liver stays!!!  Here are some pictures of my Princess.  She was rather uncooperative... so we only got a few.  ♥

Love her lil hand, "Hi mom!!"

 Who doesn't love lil baby feet???

She is all curled up, with her hand on the side of

her face.  The top area is her head, and then her

back down to her buns.  ♥

My next ultrasound is scheduled for 4 weeks from now.  However, in the mean time, I have a m/w appointment, an appointment with the pediatric cardiologist, and an appointment with the pediatric surgeon.  I am sure the appointments will be coming more and more frequent before I know it!

18 weeks...

Seems like 40!(Guess I hit the point of it feeling like I've been pregnant for a while now!  Lol)  Last night I had a breakdown.  =(  Thankfully, for now, they are few and far between, but I have a feeling, the closer to delivery I get, the closer they will be.  I was just crying my eyes out, thinking about what my Skittle is going to have to go through.  It just breaks my heart.  Then, I was thumped!  She then brought me tears of joy.  Letting me know, that for now, she is ok, and that I am doing my best at protecting her.  My next ultrasound is 9/29.  I am excited to see her, but also scared that things might look worse.  I just kmfx that there has been no change, and nothing else has traveled into her chest.  I am still sick.  *sigh*  Hopefully only a few more weeks of this crap!  If I don't take my Zofran, I will NOT survive the day!  I'm having some itching around my ankles and feet, I hope its just something random, and not my liver starting to act up.  I really do NOT need Cholestasis this pregnancy!!  However, I will ask to get my liver panel drawn at my next m/w appointment.  Ugh, another stick, thankfully they don't really bother me unless they have to dig to get anything!   I feel like a human pin cushion!!  Still no name, but that is ok.  For now, I call her Skittle, and for now, its one less thing that I have to think about.  She will have a name when the time is right.  ♥

My u/s is coming up on Thursday.  I am nervous, but am happy to be seeing her again.  ♥

Here are a couple pictures of our visit with great grandma last week.  They also got to meet their new cousin.

This one cracks me up...

Shakyra gives us the same look that

great grandma is giving Shakyra, ALL the time!

♥  Shakya, Shelby, Lola & Koen  ♥

Shakyra looks thrilled, huh?

17 weeks....

Wow!  I still haven't hit the point of, omg, I feel like I have been pregnant forever... however... I wish, I could be pregnant forever, at this point.  Knowing that my baby girl doesn't have to suffer and deal with oxygen right now, makes me happy... when I think about her, outside my belly, I think of how hard of a struggle it will be for her to adjust to oxygen, the tubes, the painful recovery of surgery at just a few days old, etc.  It is very overwhelming and really breaks this momma's heart.

As for me... I am still feeling like crap and not sleeping well.  I am down 20 lbs. Yay me!  =)  I didn't get a belly pic last week... I will try and get one this week.  I am feeling her move around some.... it's not consistent by any means, and sometimes I don't really feel her at all, but I typically feel her move after I have eaten a good dose of sugar.  ♥  I can't wait till hubby and the girls can feel her moving around, I just know that that makes it all that more real for them.  My poor hubby really doesn't know what to do for me, or for Skittle, but is there for whatever we need.  ♥ him!!  He just knows that I will do what is best for her, even if that means I have to be away from the family to get the best chance of Skittle's survival, I will!  ♥  Just like me, he is just scared.  We will get through this though, and I will be so happy to be able to look back, and say, wow, I am so glad that was so long ago!  =)

*Side note.... eeeep!  Today is my 6 month anniversary of turning 29*

Announcement!!

♥  Here is how we announced it to everyone!  ♥

The girls were so excited to be able to color their pages.  They are very excited to have a little sister joining their sisterhood.  ♥

Ultrasound....

So.... as we knew what was going on going into today... my heart knew that there was something wrong with my baby girl, I just didn't want to believe it.  Yes, I have also always believed it was a baby girl... and that too was confirmed today.  =)  She was NOT shy about it either.  Haha!!  I think she was showing off... didn't even cross her legs, but one time when she flipped herself over and put her butt in the air!  =)  So.. anyways... yes... it has been confirmed.  Skittle has CDH... also known as a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia.  We have already started the referral process to San Fran.  Please, everyone, keep your fingers crossed that my insurance accepts it!  It can be a long process to get into there, only because of insurance... but hopefully all goes well... I want nothing short of the best for my princess!!!  ♥

♥  No denying Skittle is a girl!  ♥

♥   Gotta love the baby buns!!  ♥

♥   Shelby's favorite picture because Skittle was
doing exactly what I was doing at the same time! ♥

Her arm was up behind her head, just chillin out.  =)

Here is a picture of her diaphragm.  Not that I
expect you to understand it, but some will,
so I just thought that I would share it since I have it.

So as you can imagine, its been a very rough day.  The worst part of the day was telling Shelby the news.  She cried and cried.  I so wish I didn't have to tell her, but that isn't fair.  She is almost 9 years old, she is a very smart girl, and with all the dr's and appointments I will be attending, and most, she will probably have to attend as well, I couldn't keep it from her.  Nor would that really have been fair.  After she was done crying, it was just explained to her what CDH is.  What the process is going to be like.  She knows that mommy is going to have to travel somewhere else(location unknown at this point) to deliver.  She knows that there are no specialists here to care for her when she is born.  She understands that.  Of course, I know she doesn't understand that, mommy will be away from home for a while when it's close time for Skittle to arrive... and then after Skittle is born.  She knows that Skittle will be in the NICU for a while after she is born, to get bigger and stronger.  She understands and also doesn't want me to leave her sister in a strange city, in a strange place, all by herself.  It is going to be a long haul, but we ARE going to get through this!!  Shakyra, she just knows that her sister has a hole, and its in her diaphragm.  Of course she doesn't understand what or where that is, but she does acknowledged it.  It's gonna be hard on the girls when Skittle is born, but they will be in good hands, living with grandma and grandpa while I am away, and daddy can bring them home on the weekends when he isn't working.

Thankfully, I know, Skittle and I will have my amazing friends and family to support me throughout this long, windy, awful journey that I have been chosen to travel.  Next u/s is scheduled for 2 weeks.  Can't wait to see my lil Princess again, and kmfx for no changes.  ♥

16 weeks...

Wow.... who would have thought I would have made it this far?!?!  I am still sick... omg, 20 weeks can't get here any faster!

I am a scared/nervous/anxious that something is wrong with my innocent baby.  =(  It feels like an eternity till my next u/s.  I hope the next few days go quicker than the last 10 days have gone!  I had an appointment today with my m/w.  The m/w today listened to my fears, said NO!  This is NOT going to be wrong with your baby!  They are wrong, they HAVE to be!  She said, you have been through enough, most mothers haven't gone through what you have in two lifetimes, let alone, one, and still only be in their 20's.  *sigh*  However, in my heart, I don't feel as though anything is wrong, maybe its denial?  Whatever it is, until I am told otherwise, I have to have hope that my poor, tugged on heart is correct.  I also mentioned to the m/w that my belly is the biggest it has ever been at this stage in any of my pregnancies.  She said, I was going to mention something, but some women take offense, so I decided against it.  Nah... I don't take offense, I love having a baby belly!  She said it seemed the baby must be doing well in there, cuz my belly is measuring bigger than 16 weeks.  Hehe.

Hopefully my next update will be nothing but good news, it's too bad I just don't see that happening.  U/s is on Thursday. =/

Took the kids to the fair this week... 

had a blast, but this momma was exhausted!!

Shakyra pulling her blanket away and telling the
goat no, after the goat was nibbling on it.  LOL

Of course the girls road all the rides...

they would have ALL made me ill, pregnant or not!

15 weeks....

Wow, what a whirlwind of emotions I have gone through since Friday.  Lots of ups and downs... and lots of why is this happening to me?!?!  I am very worried about my little Skittle.  Why does Skittle have to go through this? It's definitely not fair... and as much as I want to believe that what we saw on the u/s was wrong, and just a bad angle, etc., in my heart, I know that it isn't wrong, and hopefully in the next 10 days, before my next u/s, I will have at least prepared myself for the "official" diagnoses of my precious unborn baby, Skittle.

Dear Hyperemesis, you have outdone your welcome.  You are more than welcome to leave at anytime now.  I don't mind taking Zofran to keep you under control, as much as I can, but being constipated for weeks on end is not my idea of a good time!  Thanks!  At your mercy, Skittle's Momma

I love you little baby, more than you can possibly ever comprehend.  Please, do me a favor, let's get through the next 22-25 weeks with being as event less as possible.  ♥  Please grow nice, big and strong!! Your sisters' can't wait to feel you start kicking!  =)

Labor Day at the lake.

Skittle enjoyed riding the waverunner.  =)

Another ultrasound...

So... my u/s today was NOT what I expected. I am hoping, crossing every T and dotting every i.... that the "possible" diagnoses of my Skittle is wrong!  Skittle has a possible congenital diaphragmatic hernia.  Best case scenario, it's mild, can be corrected around 3-5 days after birth, and she will have a great recovery and grow back some of that left lung that is being compromised.  However, worst case scenario, I will say goodbye to my skittle shortly after delivery, because worst case scenario, her lungs wouldn't ever be able to sustain her body, and it just wouldn't be a quality of life.  My child's quality of life means more to me than being in pain and suffering.  =/  *sigh*  This is not what I expected today.... obviously I have felt pretty good about things.  Please kyfx(keep your fingers crossed) that this is also a GIRL. We got a few glimpses, but not really enough, it was too hard to tell.  We do, however, think it's a girl.  In the case of having this diagnoses, it would be better if Skittle is a girl, it's better odds since its very well known that boys are a LOT wimpier in the beginning, and girls are much stronger fighters.  Go us!  =)  So that is today in a nut shell.  It's going to be a long ass 13 days till my next u/s... but I can only hope that we see something positive, or at worst, no change. ♥